A couple of rather tasteless medical songs

From the medical students' comedy revue, both based on real experiences and characters from my time working in hospitals:

He's Depressed

An upbeat song for four parts: psychiatrist, pharmacist, patient and nurse (to the tune of Be Our Guest from Disney's Beauty and the Beast)

Psychiatrist, scrutinising patient intensely:
*clicks fingers in realisation*
He's depressed, he's depressed!
His serotonin's been suppressed!
TCAs, SSRIs and CBT are for the best.
He's had weeks of malaise,
But he hasn't slept in days.
He's fatigued and anhedonic,
While his lethargy is chronic.
He has no self-esteem,
It's like his life is one bad dream,
And his sexual function's well and truly messed!
He shoves his food aside,
And talks of suicide,
He's depressed!
He's depressed!
He's depressed!

Pharmacist:
We're not saying you're insane,
But you've got a broken brain;
We'll use psychotropic meds to make you sociable again.
You're alone and you're scared,
But the pharmacy's prepared.
Though the mechanism's uncertain,
We've got drugs to stop the hurtin'!
You might fit, you might sieze,
(Don't take phenelzine with cheese),
And trazodone can make your heart arrest,
But it'll be worthwhile,
Just to see you smile,
If you're depressed...

Doctor:
Might I suggest,
We do a thyroid function test?

Pharmacist:
You're depressed,
You're depressed,
You're depressed!

Patient:
Life is so unnerving,
When you know you're undeserving.
There's a hole within my soul that tortures me.
I can't recall the last time I felt useful,
Even nostalgia isn't what it used to be...
For ten months I've been moping,
Malingering more than coping,
Feeling self-reproach and endless waves of guilt.
I spent three weeks curled up beneath a duvet,
Empty bottles piled around me...
Then the paramedics found me!

Nurse:
You're depressed, you're depressed,
Well, I can't say I'm impressed.
On this ward,
You'll be ignored,
Until you leave just like the rest.
In a week you'll be free.
You can't say the same to me.
When you're rehabilitated,
I will still be as frustrated.
I'll be here, changing beds,
Picking maggots out of heads,
And wiping down the sexually obsessed.
Don't look for sympathy,
'Cause you'll get none from me,
If you're depressed
All:
You're depressed!
You're depressed!


I Will Debride (to the tune of I Will Survive)

The patient was awake, not anaesthetised,
I could see the look of panic growing in his eyes.
When I turned to get a knife,
He started begging for his life,
But in A&E on Friday night, there's no time to be nice.
And so I snapped,
And I saw red,
I called a porter and a nurse to come and tie him to the bed,
He had a gash across his chest,
I didn't want it leaving scars,
I didn't care about his rights,
I wouldn't let him self-discharge.
And he screamed, "No!
I'll tell the law!
I've changed my mind now,
I'm not consenting any more."
I put a gag into his mouth and
Some tape around his feet.
His wound must heal,
And I want it to be neat.

And that is why,
I will debride,
As long as there's a ragged wound,
Or any dirt inside.
I don't care if the patient,
Doesn't want the operation.
I'll debride,
I will debride.

I gave a mixture of adrenaline and lidocaine.
One was for the haemorrhage,
The other for the pain.
I asked for maximum exposure,
For this secondary closure
I made him strip,
Until I had him in the nip.
And there he lay,
Totally nude,
While I just stood there with the feeling I'd be getting sued,
But now I had the patient completely in my power,
So I stuck my scalpel in and I was finished in an hour.
And even though,
It had be sore,
His injury now,
Looks much better than before.
It will take a few more weeks,
For reunion to complete,
But it will heal,
And it's going to be neat.

And that is why,
I will debride,
As long as there's a ragged wound,
Or any dirt inside.
I don't care if the patient,
Doesn't want the operation.
I'll debride,
I will debride.

Muppet Self-Portrait

A muppet clone of myself, created as part of a time travel murder mystery party to illustrate the advent of an alternative reality in which sponge-based humanoids have become the dominant lifeforms on Earth.


Made with a core of foam rubber, carved into shape and covered with thin fleece. Warm, fuzzy and most likely toxic.

Easter Egg 2011

This Easter, I sculpted a slightly villainous chocolate chick:



This was just your standard plasticine-sculpture-silicone-coating-plaster-shell-multiple-layers-of-chocolate assembly job. Full instructions, of course, can be found at Instructables.com.

Ghost climber

This is a laser-guided tracking device for recording and replaying a climbing route. It uses two potentiometers to feed positioning data into an Arduino, which then replays the recording via a pair of servo motors. Much more detail about its construction and operation can be found at the relevant Instructable.


Here's it in operation at The Reach climbing wall in Woolwich:



And here's a close-up demo:

Snow In London

It snowed yesterday in South London. I made part of a snowman.



It took me a little less than six hours, using no tools except a small chair lent to me by a passerby.

Alien Chestburster Puppet

Here's a test run of my latest bit of puppetry, made for Halloween 2010.



Gosh, it really turned out a lot more phallic than I'd intended. I don't think the shifty-looking overcoat helped much there, either.

I'm sure that the bit when it tries to bite me after I've been stroking it is a great metaphor for something.


Full DIY details here:
http://www.instructables.com/id/Alien-Chestburster-Puppet/ The puppet was sculpted in plasticine, then cast in latex from a plaster mould. Here are a few more photos of the process, with the finished costume (deep sea diver/alien victim) at the bottom.

How to fill a house party with interesting guests

So here's an idea I've been tossing around for a while. Living in a town where you don't know many people? Always meeting the same crowd at parties? Hoping to widen your social circle? Or maybe you're just lonely and don't have (m)any friends?

Try throwing a party using the invitation format below (click for larger image). It'll be interesting to see who turns up.


Yes, there's the risk that you'll end up with your house being trashed first by strangers and then by the police, but imagine how many people you'd meet!

Sociologically, it would be an interesting experiment. How many of your friends do you think would actually hand out invitations to strangers? How many strangers would accept? What criteria would people use for guest selection? I like to think that my friends are good judges of character, so my party should be populated by people with whom I'd get on well. Maybe.

Well, we'll find out in a couple of weeks at 999 Letsby Avenue (address changed for internet weirdo reasons). Wish me luck.


A note on the invitation itself: Yes, it's ugly, crowded and contains sloppy typography. Thanks for not pointing that out.